Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Well, that didn’t work.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while