Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?