Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

(Musicians.)

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

When I said I liked it rough.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide