“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
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[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
make up your mind
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Taking phone security to the next level.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney: