@Carrie_Rachel

In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.

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@Underchilde

*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*

*Fails to see holes in plan*

@Eagle_Vision

Please enjoy my “Here’s Your Sign” tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.

@DaddyJew

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

@Thedudish

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

@Vodkantots

“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”

-no girl, ever

@therichards5

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

@LionJenkins

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.

@withanewname

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.