my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign