@Carrie_Rachel

In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.

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@MarfSalvador

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

@Shade510

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

@oakhillbargrill

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

@james_comics

he was a skater boy
she said “more potato boy?”
she was his grandma serving lunch

@CulturedRuffian

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

@ShortSleeveSuit

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

@TheHyyyype

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

@drankturpentine

ME: *releases kraken*
KRAKEN: *hesitates, looks back*
ME: go on you big dummy, get, go