If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
You Might Also Like
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Hamburger Hinderer.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.