Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

Canadian owl: Eh?

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

And that about sums it up.

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

Breaking news:

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.