In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.