Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams