Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?