Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Mike is short for Micycle

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Tony Hawk, age 6

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.