Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.