in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Bros before Ohioes
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Windows
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.