in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.