In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.