In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not