Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

I just ran a .003048K

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame