In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
We made a comic about a space heater.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
