In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
constantly working on myself.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
