Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Autocorrect completely socks

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to