Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.