In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
👽
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Missionary, so we can keep arguing