In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My wife gives the best headache.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
the saddest jazz hands ever
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.