@AdamSerwer

In Trump’s America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.

You Might Also Like

@QuintinForbes

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

@billmaher

New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?

@bornmiserable

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

@withanewname

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

@LoveNLunchmeat

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

@Lisabug74

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

@iliezabeth

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail