Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
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Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.