In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
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[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
screw you
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.