Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Home is where your toilet is.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*