In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
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Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I’m sorry…what?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.