In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
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[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do