In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
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I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
North and South
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.