[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
You Might Also Like
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??