Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself