In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
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*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
SF is the wild wild west man
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring