In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
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Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*jazz hands*
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Note to self: always read the final line
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle