In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
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this makes me so uncomfortable
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.