In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN