In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
You Might Also Like
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time