In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
You Might Also Like
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I only treason on days ending in y
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Nose
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.