Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Important reminders

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

😂

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

ew if literal: let me be clear

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.