Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

when nothing goes right… go left

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

PLEASE READ

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

ㅤ

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

What Bob, you’re interrupting.