Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?