Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

#dnd #ttrpg

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

Every
Single
Year

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Oh yeah that’s it

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.