In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
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I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
yea so i messed up lol
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[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…