Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in