Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

Still a very good boi….

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter