In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
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The human personality is made of five key elements
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.