inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You Might Also Like
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
hand it over!
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.