Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished