Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone