Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
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*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”