Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
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All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.