Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
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Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with