Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
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[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Do not levitate over flowers
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably