Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

i prefer mine room temperature.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other