Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”