Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
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I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Check your privilege
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me