Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Story of my life…..

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

Teach your children to beatbox

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.