Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

White parent Vs Arab parents

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please