Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?