Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

Lucky old June.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

can’t wait til they legalize outside

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres