Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

👍

This one, by a wide margin

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?

idk what he going thru but i feel him

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

Lmao the reply

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”