Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.