Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
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Buck naked
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Overindulged this afternoon.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Noted.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?