Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go