Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
You Might Also Like
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
March 16
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?