*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
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In space, no one can hear…
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
incredible book dedication
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Quadruple digit IQ
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.