*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
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What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar