Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

the internet really was better 18 years ago

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

Pee pressure > peer pressure

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating