Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.