INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Mike is short for Micycle
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox