Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
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Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.