Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
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My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.