Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?