Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone