incredible
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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?