incredible
You Might Also Like
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem