incredible book dedication
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My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]