incredible book dedication
You Might Also Like
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him