incredible book dedication
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Sombrero is better than nobrero.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy