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As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me